Wednesday, 8 August 2007

I say potato, you say?

You have successfully arrived at the second vegetable review. This one charts the experience of eating a jacket potato.

If you gaze to the right of your internet visualiser you'll see the potato starts off as a sort of mutant, the inners trying to escape by means of those ugly yellow tentacles. Before it crawled off I was able to pin it down and remove the tentacle/leg appendages it had spawned. Be warned! This should only be carried out if you have the correct protective apparatus. I did, so I was alright.

Not many things scare me in this world, but standing proudly among Iggy Pop's chest, Lorne Spicer, and Watford Gap services is the part grown potato.

Potatoes are often famed for their healing properties, they can heal an Island of it's inhabitants simply by not growing. The black potato which is indigenous to Chester-le-Street has been known to cure Monkhouse's disease, and can also cure breathing if taken in the correct dose.

It is exactly 5041 days since the final festival of the potato, or Potatoalia, to use the correct Gaelic name. Yorkshire was lucky enough to be the last host of this popular event where many of our northern cousins would go to worship mestre da batata, which roughly translates as the 'Potato Master'.

Many of you will also remember Danny of popular rock/punk ensemble "Heard'Sayers" was in fact a King Edward potato. Producers recently said that a vegetable band member was cutting edge at the time, but now everyone does it. They went on to explain that a potato was chosen merely because it can hold a falsetto better than broccoli, "it just does."

Nine minutes and a lot of reminiscing later, my big potato was cooked. There was some disagreement while in the microwave as to whether it should remain still, or rock from side to side. It decided on the latter much to my alarm. Again, on the right of your glass peering square is the finished product. The smell was literally half as good as it looks.

The potato you see in the picture is untainted, but it is possible to add toppings, such is the infinitely versatile nature of the ever talented potato. These vary from cheese and baked beans to the more familiar chocolate sauce and vodka dressing those who reside in parts of Essex enjoy.

So behold the humble potato, a vegetable with more wit than a similarly dressed foul-mouthed TV chef yet full of humility and wisdom.

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